A tiny love letter to disappearing

The great disappearing act or just left behind?

About 6 months into 2020, I wondered when I would see someone I know in person again and often shared how challenging it had been to exist through a screen or in past roles, trapped in memories and the imaginations of people I know.

Slowly and in almost imperceptible increments, I began to fall out of step with life.

In some ways, it felt unbearably familiar.

Me on the other side of a map, living a life unseen, unknown, and disconnected from the people with whom I should have the most connection.

But this time, the formula had changed.

In the past, I had propelled myself to places on the map where my direct circle of community nourished me, even if it was entirely new for me — being where my feet were came naturally. Connection was organic, effortless even. And every time I stepped outside my front door, I felt as if God had circled the space around my feet and said, “stand here.”

I play the part of the stranger very well.

But halfway through 2020, I crossed an invisible boundary distorted by filtered screens, miscommunications, apocalyptic events, and wifi connections. I was gone too long, wandered too far, and didn’t have interesting responses when people asked, “How are you?”

I still don’t have good answers.

One step at a time has transformed into a feeling of one step forward and two steps back. Spontaneity, agency, and mobility, the foundation of so much joy in my life, have been replaced with whatever this is.

(gestures broadly)

I know some people survive unwelcome change by mainlining positivity and, in an effort to keep their heads above water, expect the same from others.

But I also know that I didn’t cause unwelcome changes in my life because I doubted the future or honestly expressed discomfort about what was to come. And I have never protected myself from harm by muscling my way into positive thinking.

Maybe it just is what it is, and that’s all it has to be, and it’s all good even when it doesn’t feel good.

I wonder If there is an opportunity to be found when what was once familiar leaves you in the dust, staring at the horizon.

I guess we’ll see.